People come over and I’m gonna say, “Go ahead, touch it…it feels real.” I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I’d be the only one who knew.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

A lot of people are afraid of heights.

On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space.

When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. He said, “Why were you going so fast?” I said, “See this thing my foot is on? It’s called an accelerator.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.Here is a short selection (only 107!) of the best Steven Wright quotes. He was ranked as the twenty-third greatest comedian by Comedy Central in a list of the 100 greatest stand-up comics. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical, and sometimes nonsensical jokes, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations. Steven Wright is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and an Oscar-winning film producer.

Another word for running joke